why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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