I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
