What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
