my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
