u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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