So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
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had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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