its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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