I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
