If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
