I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
