He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
