If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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