i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
