You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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