i permit you to call me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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