he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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