Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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