he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
