just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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