I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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