Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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