I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
