That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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