Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
