Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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