I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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