I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
