I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
