I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
