I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
