glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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