I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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