So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
