I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
