I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
MIDGETS
????
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
