I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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