I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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