I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
