I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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