Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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