So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
