Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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