I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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