That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
worst night to have a conscience
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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