i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
sex in a hospital.. check
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
