My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
