my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
