Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
