i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize