I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My cat gives me a boner
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
