Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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