Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
