This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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