is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
