ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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