I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
