Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
