She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
