There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
