i think my mom watched the whole time
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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