im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
