Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
