she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
